Paul Simon, shortly after being told the news of Matt and Rebecca’s Newcastle hotel experience.
They had driven from Toowoomba to the Hunter Valley for a Paul Simon concert and booked a lovely B&B for a romantic Easter long weekend. At the last minute the concert was moved to Newcastle. Luckily, Matt was able to find some accommodation close to the new venue. It wasn’t quite the Hilton.
Matt: Oh my god, this is so exciting Darling! Paul Simon tonight, and because we’re so close to the Entertainment Centre we can have a few drinks and walk home!
Bec: Yep.
Matt: What do you mean ‘yep’, aren’t you excited? It’s Paul Simon! You’ve always wanted to see Paul Simon, and now we’re here. You should be excited! I’m excited!
Bec: Yep.
Matt: The venue is just across the train lines there. You can just about see it.
Bec: My feet are sticking to the floor.
Matt: That’s the sign of a good hotel. If your feet stick to the carpet, you know it’s popular.
Bec: This isn’t a hotel. This is a pub.
Matt: A pub is technically a hotel. And besides, it’s a nice pub.
Bec: What’s the difference between a Hells Angel and a Commanchero?
Matt: I don’t know. Is that a joke?
Bec: No, a bunch of them just walked in. I want to know who I’m being raped by.
Matt: I think you’ve got your worst case scenario thinking pants on again Sweetheart. Nobody is going to rape you.
Bec: Well, you certainly won’t be going there tonight. I bet the bed has fleas. Have you seen Young Einstein? That’s what our room will look like. I’m not taking my jeans off.
Matt: Nope, it will be lovely. I’ll get the manager so he can show us the room.
Bar Chick: What are you drinking?
Matt: Yes, hello. We have a room booked under the name Granfield.
Bar Chick: A what?
Matt: A room. Granfield. I booked on the website?
Bar Chick: What website?
Matt: Your website.
Bar Chick: We have a website?
Matt: Yes.
Bar Chick: I’ll go and get the manager.
Bec: Stop looking at her boobs.
Matt: I wasn’t looking at her boobs.
Bec: You had to have been looking at her boobs. She was topless. I can’t believe we’re staying in a topless bar. I’m not staying here. I’ll drive home.
Matt: It will be fine.
Manager: Hello.
Matt: Yes, hello. We booked a room on the website. Under the name Granfield.
Manager: Oh yes.
Matt: I was wondering if we could have the key please.
Manager: Hmm.
Matt: Would that be OK?
Manager: Yes, I’ll just have to find the key.
Matt: OK.
Bec: That’s not a good sign.
Matt: It’s fine. He’s just going to find the key.
Manager: I can’t find the key.
Matt: I see.
Manager: It’s all good though. The door doesn’t lock anyway.
Matt: OK.
Manager: Follow me. The room’s upstairs.
Matt: OK.
Bec: Oh god. Don’t even think about checking into this ‘hotel’ on Facebook. If Dad sees it he’ll kill you.
Matt: It’s all good. I should warn you though, I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but often in hotels like this…
Bec: You mean biker pubs like this.
Matt: Often in hotels like this, there won’t be a bathroom or toilet in the room. So we’ll have to share with the other guests.
Bec: I love how you choose to tell me that now. You’re like walking fine print.
Manager: So here’s the toilet. And if you follow me down the hall a bit… The shower is in this, well, cupboard here… And then the room is at the end of the hall there. Are you OK with a twin room? You’re not on your honeymoon or anything?
Bec: A twin room is fine. I can tell you right now, we won’t be having s…
Matt: Soap.
Manager: Yep, that’s on the pillows. Any other questions?
Bec: Whispering to Matt – If the soap is used, we’re leaving.
Matt: No, I think we’re all good. Thank you very much.
Manager: Righto then. Just, well, I’ll see you in the morning.
Matt: OK
Bec: How much did we pay for this place?
Matt: $120. It was the closest hotel to the Entertainment Centre. The website said it was located in an ‘entertainment hub’.
Bec: Yes, if you like trainspotting and fist fights between rival motorcycle gangs.
Matt: C’mon, let’s just dump our stuff and get some food. There was a bistro downstairs.
Bec: We’re not eating here. I’m going to the bathroom. While I’m gone, get on Urban Spoon and find somewhere to have dinner.
Matt: OK.
…
Bec: I’m back.
Matt: That was quick.
Bec: There was blood on the hand basin. I couldn’t even wash my hands.
Matt: I’m sure it wasn’t blood.
Bec: OK. Maybe it was tomato sauce.
Matt: Let me check it out. I need to wee anyway.
Bec: You always need to wee.
…
Matt: It wasn’t blood.
Bec: What was it then?
Matt: It was just a chip in the vanity top. I think it was once painted red.
Bec: We’re not staying here. What if I have to go to the toilet in the middle of the night?
Matt: I thought you said you weren’t taking your jeans off?
Bec: Ha ha. I’m not going to the toilet in the middle of the night here. I’ll get raped.
Matt: There’s a servo over the road. I’ll go and buy you a bucket. You can wee in that.
Bec: Really?
Matt: Why not?
Bec: OK.
Matt: While I’m gone, you can check for cockroaches.
…
Matt: I’m back. I got you a yellow bucket.
Bec: Well, do you want the good news?
Matt: Sure!
Bec: There’s no cockroaches.
Matt: See! I told you.
Bec: The bed is full of ants though.
Matt: No it’s not.
Bec: Yes it is. See.
Matt: That’s not full of ants. There’s only like…. Ten of them. Eleven. Maybe fifteen.
Bec: They’re eating something with hair on it.
Matt: I’ll drive home tonight.
Bec: I thought you might.
