Budget Time

Matt and Bec have a different approach to money; Bec is cautious, Matt believes you can photocopy more if you run out. He calls it “quantitative easing” and says it “works for Obama”.

Matt and Bec talk household budgets:

Bec: OK, so we’ve bought a house. We need to make a budget to ensure someone doesn’t come and take the house away.

Matt: I went to Budget Rent a Car once, they didn’t have any Audis available, so I vowed never to go there again.

Bec: Wonderful. But seriously. We need to be more thrifty.

Matt: Is that another car rental joke?

Bec: What do you mean?

Matt: Have you ever rented a car before?

Bec: No.

Matt: OK, don’t worry. What are we putting in the budget?

Bec: Everything.

Matt: Even alcohol?

Bec: Yes.

Matt: OK, so $250 for alcohol?

Bec: A month? That seems on the high side, but I’ll be reasonable. OK.

Matt: I meant $250 a week.

Bec: Ernest Hemingway didn’t spend $250 on alcohol a week.

Matt: Ernest Hemingway spent $250 a day on alcohol, and that was in 1952, when beers only cost $1.

Bec: What about groceries?

Matt: $450 a week.

Bec: I’m not sure you understand what I mean by ‘budget’. A ‘budget’ is designed to help us save money.

Matt: Yes, I was going to suggest $500 a week, so I took $50 off. That’s a saving of more than 10%.

Bec: That doesn’t add up. Anyway, let’s just start budgeting in a week, OK?

Matt: OK

Six days before budget comes into effect

Five days before budget comes into effect: The Chainsaw

Matt: I bought a chainsaw.

Bec: Why did you buy a chainsaw?

Matt: For chopping firewood.

Bec: It’s Spring.

Matt: I bought the second most expensive brand – you should be proud of me.

Four days before budget comes into effect: Buying alcohol in Dan Murphy’s for Bec’s 30th Birthday party

Bec: Shouldn’t we go to BWS or one of those supermarket bottle shops, they give you 10% off if you buy more than six bottles of wine, and we’ll probably need six bottles of wine for the party.

Matt: Do you mean six bottles of wine each? I just don’t think that will be enough, we’ve got friends on Friday night, your family Saturday night, and then we’re taking Monday off work. Six bottles of wine each isn’t going to cover it.

Bec: I meant six bottles of wine all up, including guests.

Matt: I’m getting a trolley.

Dan Murphy’s Man: Can I help you?

Matt: Yes, we’re having a party.

Dan Murphy’s Man: Excellent.

Matt: What have you got from Tuscany? Specifically, Chianti.

Dan Murphy’s Man: This new Chianti Classico is lovely, and there’s a Reserva as too. They’re both drinking well now.

Matt: Great, we’ll have a case of each. Now, something French, I’m thinking Burgundy.

Bec: What are you doing?

Matt: I thought it might be nice to buy wines from regions we visited on our honeymoon.

Bec: But you just bought two cases.

Matt: I know, that might just get us through Friday night, presuming guests bring a bottle of wine each.

Three days before budget comes into effect: The Chainsaw, part II

Matt: I’m going to chop some wood for the fire. It’ll create a nice ambience for the party.

Bec: Wasn’t your chainsaw red?

Matt: Yes.

Bec: The chainsaw you’re carrying is orange.

Matt: I swapped it.

Bec: When?

Matt: Yesterday.

Bec: Why?

Matt: It didn’t match the new mower.

Two days before budget comes into effect: Washing

Matt: You’re not doing another load of washing are you?

Bec: I’m washing the sheets – the dog’s dirty bum is all over them.

Matt: We can just dab the stains with some water.

Bec: What? I’m supposed to sleep on dog poo-stained sheets because of the potential of running out of water, and its cost?

Matt: Yes. And the fact that it’s a waste of water unless it’s a full load.

Bec: Thanks Greenie. Hey, just separately, do you know if Christine Milne is on Instagram, I’d like to tag my photo of you chain-sawing our rainforest yesterday?

Matt: I was creating a fire break, for your safety.

Bec: Can you be sacked from the Greens?

Matt: Okay, wash the sheets, but if we run out of water, you should get a second job.

Bec: Hahaha. No, we’ll just sell back the $500 worth of alcohol you purchased last weekend.

One day before budget comes into effect: Bec’s extravagant last hurrah

Bec: Do you have cash?

Matt: Yes. What do I get for it?

Bec: You get me not going to my Dad, telling him my husband won’t give me $3.50 for a Coke Zero.

Matt: Fair enough. Separately, did you know my favourite song of Kanye’s is Golddigger?

Bec: Separately, I hope I have my period for the rest of the year


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